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[Jan. 6th, 2006|05:10 pm] |
It is interesting to be home. I miss college, but not horribly. I have seen Greg and Souren almost everyday...my commune boys, ah, I love them very much. And Amanda too...although I have not seen her, which is probably for the best, because it is better if we miss each other, really, rather than seeing each other all the time. We spent alot of time together, and I find it strange to wake up alone in my room sometimes. Sometimes, I don't want to go back to school at all. Then, I remember, and its a surge of such happiness that usaully only comes from some particularly satisfying personal triumphant. And that's what it was, really, college. I was finally able to build my life on my own terms. I formed the bonds of friendship to a powerful, almost frightening degree, and I find that a piece of my soul is not my own anymore.. divided instead among these people to whom I chose to bear it.
It's ironic, with our nickname being the commune, that I should have chosen to read The Fountainhead at this time. I am finishing it now, the last of the 700 pages are about to be turned and this book that has acted as a comfort and even a companion will be finished. I say it is ironic because The Fountainhead is essentially about the battle between Individualism and Collectivism, with the idea that the most selfish decision of all would be to live for other people, for their opinions of you...and that this was the path to misery. Ayn Rand presents a challenging idea, one contrary to the opinions of the majority. It is difficult to say something that the public doesn't want to hear, such as the truth, and I admire her greatly for this. It recommended self-sufficiency over the popular tendancy of people to look for reassurance in the eyes of others. I wonder about myself. Am I Self-sufficence? This is interesting thought. I have never needed anyone to support me. In fact, people tend to go against me very fiercely, and in my most egotistical moments I have told myself it is because they are jealous. Dissecting that, I would say I am self-sufficent, because I have a strange confidence in myself...in addition to a somewhat self-deprecating nature which leads me to attack myself.... I can recall a time in which public opinion mattered to me, when I was younger, when everything was cloudy with a surge of hormones that force us to desire beyond simply sexual satisfaction, but above this, social acceptance. I remember this time, but I also remember knowing that it would not work. I have always been different than the others. Not better, hell don't ever say I said I was better than them...just different. I see things differently than most people do. I was called names for this once, weird, that sort of things, but now I find it is this quality that allows people to respect me. I don't play by the rules because the rules are imaginary, invisible and abstract. I don't mean the law...although...well, the law is what it is. The law is there to tell us what we should already know but don't, and then to enforce a few idiosyncracies of men in power. When I mean the rules, I mean the socially constructed expectations we have of one another. They are not rooted in logic or reason, they cannot be found in any book, only in the souls of man in women. Most people cannot get over the rules. I can. I will. I will think outside of the box. I will mystify those who try to understand me in the terms of the day. There is a sense of purpose in me that I will not let slip away. I am not saying this makes me better than anyone else, just different, that's all. |
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[Apr. 1st, 2005|10:11 am] |
The last couple of days have been filled with guys...which is odd because I don't have many guy friends. But I don't think I've hung out with any girls all week. Odd.
I'm rereading perks of being a wallflower and i find the context applies so much deeper to me now, i can really relate to it...everything seems so much more relevant. |
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[Feb. 7th, 2005|01:25 pm] |
So Bob was like WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT SPILL THIS SOUP
and i spilled it all over my back and his bed
and I have horribly burns on my back.
Superbowl Sunday was still really fun.
ANd I actually found the Parkway on the way home.
But I couldn't throw my change into the thing.
So I honked and drove away.
Happy Monday |
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[Jan. 28th, 2005|02:44 pm] |
<3 seeing rent
<3 with taryn
<3 good plans for the weekend with tiff and alex (although alex does not know it yet) and Tiff J and maybe Dan although I'm not sure I feel like putting in the effort in on that one...would serve him right and I don't have time anyway. |
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| final college list |
[Jan. 21st, 2005|03:01 pm] |
Rutgers- in
Scranton- in with money
Ithaca- probably will get in, but not to comm
TCNJ- probably wont get in |
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| tell me something i don't know |
[Jan. 21st, 2005|02:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence |
You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.
You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.
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[Dec. 28th, 2004|01:26 pm] |
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I think I've found a nice balance between the Kerrin of last year, militantly straight-edge, moody, boy-crazy, brunette Kerrin to the hippie, relaxed, in a serious relationship yet stil-boycrazy, blonde that I was this year. Somehow, I've ended up somewhere in the middle. I'm not quite straight edge but my desire to do anything other is limited to special occasions- a glass of wine on christmas, a few mixed drinks perhaps on New years? and perhaps the occasional night out with my boyfriend in which certain things may be consumed. My relationship with Bob has leveled off. I have no desire to be with anyone but him. I'm happy withh him. I'm not always hyper, or moody, but I wouldn't consider myself relaxed. I dare say I might be.........normal. How dull. But indeed, I'm just a regular teenage girl, with PMS and a passion for watching soaps in her pajamas. And my hair, well, my hair.....is red. :) How fitting, a nice compromise between my two selves, but nto simply the average of the two parts, but with whole new exiting elements to it. There are still streaks of blonde here and there, and a touch of my natural brown shines through. But alas, it is a new begining. As is this new year. I find myself more excited for a chance to start over then I was even for christmas. Maybe I should go back to the way I used to be, so sweet and innocent. Beth Ann and I reminscienced. about the simpler days. But I can't go back, I've tasted freedom, and rebellion, and all those things that keep life from becoming mundane. I want to go back, but I won't. I can't. But I can try to better myself, I can lelarn to compromise betweent he opposite poles pulling at me. I just want to be someone I of whom I can be proud. I know I can never blindly love someone, and that I can never party too hard, because its not right. I can't escape my mind. I have to embrace it. I pursue happiness, but I never catch it, because I am unwilling to succumb to the extremities of my wants and desires. Instead I sit tidy, waiting for a day when I can be content with doing nothing at all. |
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[Dec. 25th, 2004|03:15 am] |
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December the twenty fifth and I am amazingly happy. I am happy because I have a wonderful life. I have amazing friends who I eat yogurt with as we decipher life or forget their wallets or buy me underwear and emblaze it with my boyfriend's name (true story) or who teach me all about sports so much so i can almost fake Yankee knowledge or take my picture and make me look pretty. I have an amazing family with a strong mother who has taught me how to survive in the world. I have wonderful presents and a beautiful church to celebrate christmas in at midnight. I have brand new reddish brownish blondish hair that refuses to be defined. I have an amazing BOYFRIEND who asked me out on Christmas day at 1:30 in the morning after giving my a huge soft puppy dog named after my dog and a drop.dead.gorgeous heart shaped locket with our picture in it. I have so much and so much room in my heart that is filled up by the love I feel for these people. And I have the ablity to be completely absurd sometimes but still get away with being a softie and writing sentimental entries like this. I have so much happiness right now and I just want everyone around me to feel it. I love you all, my st matthias girlies, my trio my moo crew my Immaculata gym partners of years past who became my two besties and the hellhole girls from play and my brother and my crazy ocd dad and the wonderful nona who gives me and bob cookies, the friends I wish I still saw and the friends I've lost along the way, my friends mom who bake me cookies and the friends I found by accident, my younger friends, my older friends, my college friends, my dropout friends, my dancer friends, my singer friends, my crazy friends, my silly friends, the friends I might someday have, the friends I was meant to met. I am so happy right now. I love Bob so much because he makes me realize how much I have to be happy for, just for making me happy in the first place. I love Christmas day for reminding me I have a heart. I love hope. It's all about hope. |
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[Dec. 20th, 2004|07:00 pm] |
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I'm so typical sometimes I bore myself. Everyone at school thinks I'm unique and weird which I like, sometimes. I don't want to goto college. I want to stay 18 forever even though I'm not 18 yet and maybe thats for the best. I'm still a minor will I someday be a major? Adult is a funny word. I'm not high or drunk because its 7 oclock on a monday so obviously not but my head hurts and I'm dizzy so I guess maybe I am sick. I think its from eating too much cookies and low fat popcorn and not eating meals. Sometimes I don't know, what I'm going to do with my life. I am alone. I am in love. Rutgers? Do I really want to go there.... IS THIS ALL THERE IS? I wish I could see clearly but all I feel is blur. I like you livejournal. I can write crazy in here. |
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[Nov. 30th, 2004|09:29 pm] |
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Haha I missed being single |
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[Nov. 17th, 2004|06:37 pm] |
no one offer me anything that can be smoked from now on til ever because praise the lord the PLAY starts tomorrow and i want to be able to sing
love always, kerrin |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2004|12:39 pm] |
Honestly, I really don't care. Everyone just proves my point. Everyone is so quick to turn on you. So my attempt to eliminate the drama in my life seemingly caused more, but the fact of the matter is, as long as I don't have to deal with people iming me and yelling at me all the time, it doesn't really affect me. not to say anyone was yelling at me, I was just being cautios. I want a fresh start...a clean slate...I forget how to say that in French but its pretty.
Yesterday was really fun. Nice innocent good time with my friends. I stopped by work and hung out with Robbie and Shane for like 5 minutes cause I needed Rob to buy me something (not ciggerrettes!!! i cant even spell that word...) but yeah those guys are so hilarios...I love work haha. Then I picked up Tiff and we drove to coconuts and saw Alex who is amazing. And Tiffany is amazing and I love that I connect with her and discuss important things, analyse human nature, and still go out and have goofy fun with her. We went to barnes and dnobles and just sat and read smutty magazines and it was fun. I miss being smutty....i think? Maybe I don't. I'm exciting for a weekend of no toking up and drinking. What a concept. I AM going to quit Alex! Haha, as much as I still act like a little stoner. Yeah, I was definitely a little stoner. But I woke up this morning and I didn't have that headache I'm used to and I was happy, so I think I want to stay happy for little while, and I think I might have even found some people who genuinely make me happy.
Tonight I'm going to see Kellys play!! I'm really excited. I love Kelly alot. Alot of times she's my best friend and I miss her. I miss having an absolute, hang out with her everyday, best friend. I think I'm gonna start hanging out with Kelly some more....
I'm going with my mom, because I think my mom needs it. I haven't really mentioned this to anyone, but my grandma's been in the hospital. My mom took care of grandma for the past 3 years. She did the 45 minute drive to Woodridge on her day off and cleaned and did th3 plumbing and painted and changed my grandma's toliet. My mom is a pretty amazing woman, although I never stop and realize it. Maybe its time I stopped and started realizing it.
So my mom needs a vacation. Kelly is going to have her mom come too, and we're inviting Mrs. Quinn too! I hope she comes, I miss her, and I think it be nice to see her, and I think it be nice for her to see us. I remember when Kelly and Stephie came to see my play.... Sigh. It doesn't do good to think about these things.
Kelly's has one of the leads in her play, I'm really proud of her. She's an awesome actress, you don't even know. BREAK A LEG KELL!! |
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[Oct. 30th, 2004|04:29 pm] |
i took a shower today
woot |
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[Oct. 16th, 2004|11:28 am] |
woke up to drunken abuse from the boy this morning
-how sweet-
i dont care...how sad
isnt that sad?
I guess there comes a point where we'll just take whatever someone gives us because we know they are right, or we know we have no where else to go if we leave. and i realize that sometimes i am very lonely, more and more so proportional to how many fairweather friends i surround myself with.
night out with jess and sneha last night was fun. i love jess, she is my woman. and sne is my wife. and all those crazy boys that were there that i used to love and probably will again someday. happy |
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| friends |
[Oct. 13th, 2004|07:50 pm] |
sneha is my friend because she is awesome and i love her and maybe i'll goto bu with her if i get in
ps heres my college app list
rutgers
ithaca
boston u
scranton
ramapo |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2004|07:48 pm] |
Today was a peculiar day. I woke up early and showered and went to church. In church I figured out some things. Actually I figured them out before church. In church I probably just thought about sex. My place in hell is reserved.
I went to the gym and read lots of magazine and I realized I weigh less than I did freshmen year and that this might be a problem.
My mom called me a slut today which was just funny because its so true. I laughed at her and she got mad. It wasn;t that simple but you know how tedious "how I got grounded" stories are. My punishment was to hang out with Tiffcracka and Alex and Jim (my mom left my in the somerville circle parking lot where tiff and alex work) which was fun cause we talked about Jenna Jameson...oh boy...and Alex knew all the crazy stuff I do cause Tiff told him I felt cool. I think Jim thought I was crazy cause my mom left me in a parking lot though.
I came home and got sad because my family just doesn't understand me. How stereotypical teenaged I am. So I cried in my room alone and listen to emo music. No, really. I was very sad. I drank some nightime tylenol and was ready to goto bed but then jess sager dropped off cookies and my chemical romance and action action and ramon noodels at my door and I felt so much happier I had to tell the whole world in my live journal.
Silly rollercoaster day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2004|03:53 pm] |
sometimes I really like school. it's odd. today i was just happy. i really love cracka and taryn and jmell and I even got to talk to Kelly and Andrew (whose nominated for hc king...how awesome!) who were two of my best friends freshmen year and its sad I never talk to them. I shared my dirty little secrets and we found out we had a few oin common. And cracka and I decided we are getting married and writing dirty children's books. I even talk to dre now, he shot spitballs at me in writing class...thats friendship right there. I almost passed out in gym though
cause I don't eat
but since i admit it that means im not crazy
and i do eat dinner
i lost 7 pounds and I am very proud and my homecoming dress will look so pretty and after homecoming i will eat soooo much at applebees or fridays that i will explode but i will be a beautiful mess.
i tanned today....so relaxing....I like time alone with my thoughts. I'm really happy right now. I've got no troubles and I like the storm clouds. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2004|10:49 pm] |
why dont you make up your mind
and stop blaming your desire on me |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2004|05:42 pm] |
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
its just this guilt has got the best of me
bob and i are really bad at breaking up
we still are though
but we are good friends
very good friends |
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a_weak_cause's journal